by Mark Gill
(brisbane, queensland, Australia )
Last night I was writhing in my bed late at night experiencing tumultuous negative thoughts.
I sent a prayer to god asking for strength and to lift this weight from my shoulders. In 1 day I have realized I have turned my back on God and I am long overdue to reconnect.
I live in a suburb called The Gap, in Brisbane, Australia. I Moved here from England in 1998.
Lately my mother and younger brother have moved to England for a while and I'm missing them dreadfully.
To be honest, for the last 5 years of my life I have been living recklessly, not acknowledging my own personal feelings, soul, heart and mainly God.
I started smoking weed and drinking very early in high school and it has now lead me to question my own opinion very often.
I recently have been enduring some intense feelings of self loathing as I feel like I 'dogged' my family at such a young age in pursuit, of women, alcohol and a general culture.
It feels like I'm walking the plank, blindfolded, and God is tapping me on the shoulder asking me to turn around.
Tomorrow I will return to my old catholic boarding school, Marist College Ashgrove after graduating two years ago.
Time to appreciate and use the chapel. To be honest I am fairly daunted of what is going to happen inside my head. I'm also a 19 year old Male named Mark.
Time to really be honest, throughout High school, I was an overly sexual person, Heterosexual, not that it matters, but I really did sleep around a lot, using and abusing women and not realizing that has taken a dramatic effect on me.
Lately for example, I have been sexualizing all of my relationships inside my head, ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS, and it produces the most gut wrenching feeling inside like I am filth.
I have been attempting to meditate on a frequent basis at home, to try to reduce the noise in my head.. yet I'm still no yoda and stuck staring into the abyss of darkness at the most inconvenient of times.
A little taste of what has been going on in my life. My life took a twist when I went to Woodford folk festival and stole a guitar by pretending to be an artist.
Ashamed I am now, however little did I know karma was right around the corner.
The flavor of the month girl I was involved with Jess Bush (model for billabong, not bragging or anything), which I was too stupid and blind to realize that I had a remarkable connection with.
She gave me a big poster of Jim Hendrix for my 18th birthday. Man did that poster play tricks in my head, I look similar to him so my ego inflamed, tenfold. I'm going to be the next big thing!
I moved to Sydney to stay with my aunty whilst undertaking a little personal training course to fall back on.
I fell to pieces, I'm rubbish on guitar and one of the nights I was there I went to the most prestigious club in Sydney called the Ivy. That is when I felt probably the worst emotional feeling I have experienced..
I was drinking quite heavily and my ego took over, I was extremely ostentatious on the d floor and I'm a terrible dancer. The girl I lost my virginity to was there, and gave me the look " you must be running on a streamline of estrogen".
I Literally shut down the dance floor and the dj closed up. I walked to the elevator in front of everyone there and as the doors were closing, a kid ran past took a cheap shot and yelled "Bah". Such a blow.
I'm not sure if this is really common but lately I have been battling good and evil in my head. As if my brain is formulating ideologies for why I'm on this earth, and it's not looking good for me at times.
Since I 'dogged' my family at the age of 15 for stupendous reasons. I have formulated the view that its completely reflective of my character and I'm heart broken.
Regrets, regrets, I try to tell myself it was all for a valuable life lesson, and maybe it was, who knows? certainly not me at the moment.
Is this what life is, a fall from grace, a man wrapped in chains, desperate to break free, only the key is behind his ear.
I have been looking into a lot of Buddhism teachings too, is this all part of the suffering? ALL of it? I know, I am thankful for my loving family, shelter, water and food supply. But still, right now I am dealing with the insanity of the mind, emotional suicide and I can't get off the burning ship.
I do sit here wondering what will happen to this letter, what weave is being neatly woven around it and where it is going. Is me writing this letter all part of the plot, if so I'm ready for the romantic part and I'm pretty sure my partner is God.
Are you all in on it? Grunts and gestures to help me navigate. Can't break the golden rule and spill the beans. I know it sounds very self centered, the world revolves around me kinda thing but I'm helplessly imagining my soul is in a transient glass box, which everyone else can see and judge me on except myself.
Paranoia? My - self, my identity, shattered, now a thick layer of tar, spit and grease to scrub off.
Thank God, I kinda like this writing thing, another weave in the pattern or someone about to turn the page up there?